36 Weeks! The Nursery. & So, It turns into a monster?!

I'm 3 days shy of 36 weeks. Holy MOLY! 31 days until my due date. Yes, 31 days....

Shyt! Just. Got. REAL!

Well..it's been real for a long minute now but considering we found out we were pregnant when Sprouty was like 10mins old...{You know how us lesbians start POAS <peeing on a stick> as SOON as sperm meets egg lol}....But yeah, You get the point.

This baby. Has to come out of. ME. My Vagin.a or tummy cut. Like...He has to come out of my body one way or the other in 31 days, give or take........JESUS BE AN EPIDURAL!!!!!

Why am I so amped today you might be thinking...? Well let's just say I watched a BabyCenter birth video. Whyyyyyyyy did I do that?! I have to many thoughts....thoughts of, How the hell does "it" get SO big....I mean, I was traumatized by those huge lips.... the opening....Howwwwwwwww doesssssss that happen?!?

*Faints*

My wife had a c-section so I didn't experience the whole baby coming out thing.  They cut my babygirl out and I never saw what my wife's lady parts could do. I never saw it turn into a monster. Wait, I never saw her lady parts during the whole process now that I think about it. Mannnnn...it's mind-blowing how "it" can go from regular and cute to a BIG HUGE MONSTER!!!!!!! OMG!

*Faints.......again*

.......well, there's no turning back now and he has to come out. Lord be with me! My next OB appointment is on 06-10-14. I will have the GBS test done and maybe a cervical check. Fun. <sarcasm font>

On a brighter note, the nursery is done, our maternity photo-shoot is done & the bags are all packed. So we are officially on "just waiting for baby" watch. Yiipeee! Here are a few pics of our nursery. Baby Boy & His Big sister will be sharing a room. I can't WAIT for her to meet her little Brother. Ahhhhhhhh!

 

 

That's all for now.........pray for me ya'll :-)

9 weeks......shyt is about to get real.

Nine weeks til insemination. It's just not sinking in yet that in 9 short weeks my wife will insert sperm into my body to prayerfully make another baby. Whoa. I just want to thank you all for the support and the encouragement. It does help! To know I have an entire Blogger family cheering me on is really kinda dope!

 

Oh, I did get an excellent report from my RE last week. After two years of abnormal pap smears I FINALLY got a normal result from my visit/pap on July 3rd. God is Good. Now, I really feel good about moving forward. All systems are a go!

 

I think it's kinda cool that Mommy N is realllllllly getting excited about, as she puts it, "I can't wait to knock you up!?" Hahaha...Girl BYE! lol No, really It's cool. She's having way too much fun with it tho. lol I'm so thankful I can give her this experience. I pray everything goes smooth. She's always on me about taking my prenatals. I started taking an extra 800mcg of Foli.c Aci.d last week. That brings my total to 1600mcg per day. With my age I think that's good enough. Did any of you ladies take more than the 800 that comes in the prenatal vitamins? Just curious....

 

We have decided to purchase the big box of CBE Smiley's to start next cycle. I didn't track with the OPK's this cycle. I was over it! I just went by my cervical mucus. Next cycle we will bring out the real gunz to track our eggy. We will probably start using our fertility monitor as well. Although I'm not excited about the thought of using it while we are on vacation in Disney in September. *humph*

 

Well, just an update...We have been in contact with our donor and we have scheduled appointments for his medical work up. Yes, we are using the same donor as Baby C. He's so great! We could not have found a better donor. He's been so wonderful, consistent and compliant throughout this whole entire process. I've read horror stories about known donors but I'm so thankful we didn't experience any of those issues. He actually laughed and said, "I hope y'all get a boy this time!" Although the ultimate goal is simply to have an uneventful pregnancy and a healthy baby....He knows how badly we really want a little guy. We need some testosterone in our house to balance things out! lol It's just awesome to go thru this and not have any anxiety, stress or fears about the donor. We are truly blessed.

 

Mark this day......7-29-13.....something tells me I'm gonna get pregnant the first try, or at max 3. I don't know what it is...but something internal tells me that it's gonna happen pretty quickly for me. It makes me excited and nervous at the SAME DAMN TIME! If it's gonna happen fast I would rather it happen first try....reason being, I'm not planning on telling family and friends until after our NT scan...which will put us in January. My moms birthday is the 11th so it would be a really nice birthday gift for her. But we shall see.

 

Today is CD13....

My Body works......

Everything will work out just the way it's supposed to.....

Lawdy Lawdy I got a Liebster!

Totally unexpected but ya girl has been nominated for the Liebster Award! {Pauses for applause}

Camille over at http://andjustaddwater.wordpress.com/ nominated me and I'm truly thankful and humbled. Her blog...And Just Add Water, has indeed become one of the blogs I stalk on the regular. *smile* She's genuine with her readers. I love an authentic blog that is transparent in both the highs and the lows of the TTC journey.

 

Back to the Liebster....Blogger awards are such a great way to learn more about your fellow bloggers. This is a way for small bloggers to give recognition to other small bloggers (200 followers or less). I will be SURE to follow all the blogs nominated by Camille & I hope you guys will do the same by following me on my crazy TTC journey as well.

 

Here’s how it works:

Copy & Paste This Whole Post and Replace All Your Information — who awarded you, for example.

The rules:

1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog.
2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answering the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.
3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.
4. Display the Liebster Award logo.
5. No tag backs meaning you can’t just re nominate the person who nominated you.

As Solo the First put it “The real purpose behind these nominations are not only as an accolade from a fellow blogger and let’s face it, nothing gently strokes our little writer hearts more than someone telling you they appreciate your work. In addition to the back patting we need to receive from time to time, it also allows us to get a little more personal as we get to know our increasing blogging community. It also helps drive traffic to your site as we reference one another.”

 

The questions put forth to me (with my answers) are as follows:

 

1.    What is the best book you’ve read recently? Let’s see, being as though I just graduated with my Masters Degree I haven’t had time to read books that I actually want to read. So, out of my textbooks the best book has to be, “Difficult Conversations. How to Discuss What Matters Most” Stone, Patton & Heen did an amazing job with this small but powerful book! It basically teaches you constructive ways to have those dreaded conversations that simply need to be had! It has truly helped me in both the academic world as well as in my marriage and my personal life.

2.    Name a pet peeve – When in class someone responds to another classmates answer with, “To piggyback off of that statement..” Ughhhh! Just state YOUR position without the piggyback intro dammit! *face palms*

3.      If you could travel any place and money was not a factor, where would you go? Capetown South Africa!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4.      If you could go to any concert, whether they are dead or alive, broken up or together, who would it be? Mint Condition (I'm a groupie and I see them multiple times per year) and the late GREAT Donny Hathaway. RIP Donny.

5.      Red wine, white wine, beer, or water? BEER! 40oz of freezing cold Bud Ice or Miller light.

6.      Do you have a celebrity look-a-like? If so, who? People say Nia long. I guess I kinda see it if I get femme’d out lol

7.      What are three blogs you read most often? Honestly, I more often end up reading spiritual type blogs or just random blogs that I stumble across. On my Blog, roll I may stalk the ones that are either in the TWW or actively TTC…so it varies from week to week. I do read all the blogs on my Blog roll tho.

8.      What is your guilty pleasure? Tall Beers and Bar food. Lots of it!

9.      What is one skill or hobby you’re interested in learning? Hmmmmm….Oh, how to play spades! I think I’m the only black person on planet earth that doesn’t know how to play spades. Heck, I don’t know how to play any card games nor do I know the value of the cards that don’t have numbers on them L

10.  What are five words that best describe you? Spiritual, loyal, funny, determined & consistent.

11.  Beach or mountains? BEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Okay, here are my nominations (in no particular order). Sorry I couldn't shorten the links...I'm having blogger technical difficulties over here this morning so cut me some slack. lol

 

Little One Still to Come

http://littleonestill2come.blogspot.com/

 Hearts of a Feather

http://Heartsofafeather.wordpress.com

 Mommy In Waiting - Love, Laughter, and a little one

http://llandalittleone.blogspot.com/

 Good Families Do...

http://goodfamiliesdo.wordpress.com

 Our Journey to Become Mommies

http://ourjourneytobecomemommies.blogspot.com

 Struggling to be Mothers

http://amandaraye210.blogspot.com

 Bread and Roses

http://chronicladybug.blogspot.com

 Mommy Loves Martinis

http://mommylovesmartinis.com

 Opening the Door

http://doorsareopening.wordpress.com

 Wedded Wife

http://weddedwife.wordpress.com

 Living Hypothetically

http://estrogenxs6.blogspot.com/

 

Here are my 11 questions:

1. What is your greatest fear?

2. What is your greatest accomplishment?

3. What public behaviors do you find the most offensive?

4. If you could change one law in the State where you live what would it be?

5. When you leave this earth what is the one thing most people will say about you and the life you lived?

6. You are at your happiest when?___________

7. What is your favorite quote or saying?

8. What is the one little known fact that most people will find surprising about you?

9. How many slices of pizza do you typically eat in one sitting?

10. What is your favorite holiday?

11. Are you #TeamiPhone or #Blackberry?

 

 

Thanks all folks! So....be sure to send a blog follow request and let me know you're rollin wit a chick! :)

 

Nel-

TTC: Go-Go Gadget Lesbian Synchronicity!

Today is CD1. Crazy thing is....it's CD1 for both me AND my wife. Ha! Mommy N woke up and was like, "my period started." I got up about 15 minutes after her and was like, "my period started." LOL! Go figure! She is 2 days late. I'm right on-time! {Thus the picture above from my period app} hehehe! I can remember before my wife got pregnant with Baby C we had months when we came on together but that hasn't happened in so long. I once heard that when lesbian couples move-in together or spend a lot of time together their cycles sometimes "sync." I'm not sure how true that is but.........

#Randomness - I was so thrown off when my wife got pregnant! Let me explain....I'm one of the lucky women who do not have menstrual cramps {Don't hate ladies lol} Anyhoo...I never get any pre-period, period or post-period cramps....nothing. I just come on. But I always knew around when I was gonna come on because I was usually the week after my wife. She was my gauge. lol So, when she got pregnant I had nothing to go by! It sounds weird but since I never get cramps I used her to give me a heads up about my impending cycle. lol Thank God for period tracking apps! What did I do before the smart-phone??? 

Things like a regular ON-TIME cycle make me feel better and better about my age and the whole TTC journey. It gives me that little extra confidence I need each month. Since we have decided to not do the HSG until we have unsuccessfully tried to make a baby for 3 months I won't be having any further testing done before we start TTC. My RE mentioned "monitoring ultrasounds" during our last visit, when we start in October, but unless them joints are covered by my health insurance, "No thanks Ma'am!" We will just use the OPK's and pray we get the timing right. 

CD1: July 17th, 2013

The magic cycle: September 24th-September 30th

Fertile Days: September 28th -October 3rd. 

Inseminations: October 1st, 3rd, & 5th...maaaybe Oct.7th. 

TTC: Eleven Weeks. Why does a Big belly even concern me?

Not eleven weeks pregnant. But, in approximately eleven weeks my wife and I will start our journey to TTC #2. I can't believe it. Of course, as some of you may know that's contingent upon me getting a new job in the next few weeks. If I do, we will hold off on TTC until Feb-March. Either way as of now, eleven is the magic number. The cut off for job stuff is September, if I don't have a new job by then we are going to move forward with expanding our family.

 

According to my period app I'm supposed to start my cycle in 2 days. The crazy thing is...actually seeing the eleven highlights the fact that after this cycle we will only be doing this "mock" tracking thingy for August! Because we insem the last week in September beginning of October! Holy Shyt! I didn't realize that until I just typed it out.

 

 

Now for the Real..........

 

I laugh because so many people don't think I'm gonna go thru with it. Even my own mom. I guess they look at me and our marriage dynamic and assume just because I'm the "not-so-femme" half...I won't be the one carrying any babies. I wonder will it be weird? Just in general. I would really like to connect with other not-so-femme family who have actually gone thru the whole pregnancy journey. It's so taboo. The ones I do know who have gone thru it have totally embraced and loved it! Then after they delivered the dynamics of their life just fell back into place. It's inspiring.

 

I asked myself what bothers me most about having a big baby belly? This is gonna sound crazy to some of you but I must be honest in my blog..........I think what bothers me most is people seeing my belly and assuming I had se.x with a man to get pregnant.

 

----Please don't send me any hate mail or slay my blog...I am by no means saying that for those of you who opted for this method there is something wrong. This is my personal concern for me and my journey---

 

I know what people think shouldn't concern me. But in this case I would be a liar if I said it wouldn't make me feel some kinda way. A tad uncomfortable. People can be ignorant morons and when they see a lesbian pregnant some automatically assume you backslid. Ahahahahaha @ Backslid! {Pause} For all of you who may not be well versed in Christian stuff, to backslide is when you basically fall off the church wagon. As in you stop coming to church and fall back into Satans arms. lol But in this case it would be going back to men. lol It's more to it than that but you get my point.

 

Back to my thought...yeah, so they automatically assume you had se.x with a guy and ended up pregnant. Wait. OR WORSE... maybe they will assume I'm HETERO!! Grrrrrr Ugh! I hate that it has the potential to get under my skin. I was even pissed when people looked at my wife that way or made comments. Again, I know you're saying "who cares what people think or say?" I get that....like I said, typically I don't but I guess because this hits so up close and personal for me, it does. I also don't want anyone to think for one second I would not embrace my belly, my pregnancy or our child. While this issue gets to me it doesn't negate the fact that I'm also very thankful to be able to even get pregnant. I don't take this for granted in the least bit. I need to and will get over my feelings about it. This is just my little piece of the cyber-world to express myself......

 

Good luck to all of you ladies in the TWW! There are soooo many of you this cycle! I'm praying for your two-pink lines.

Okay, I'm Torn.

This is an unofficial blog post. The reason I started this blog was to document my journey. So, when moments like these hit me I feel it's critical for me to type out my feelings.

 

At this moment I'm feeling torn. Torn between reallllllllllllllly wanting a new job and (in this exact moment) feeling like perhaps I don't want the job thing to come thru because I'm ready to start trying in October. I asked myself, "If the phone were to ring right now and it was the job you've been waiting for, How would you feel?" My response...."I would be happy as sh*%t BUT sad at the same time because I know we would have to push off TTC until at least February or March." --Yes, I had that conversation with myself. ..talking to myself keeps me sane. lol--

 

I mean, it's weird. One minute I feel like I can take or leave putting TTC off and a few minutes ago....{after reading a surrogacy blog}....I'm so ready to start this journey! Torn between money and my heart. It sucks. Major azz. I want and need a job for financial reasons. But I know my current career/job offers so much flexibility, security, amazing quality of life, dope benefits and just is the overall win in terms of getting pregnant. So, I do admit there are benefits to staying here. Many of them actually. And the pay isn't all that bad considering but I think recently graduating with my Masters Degree and now having Baby C is fueling me to want more. I have this, "I deserve it" mentality these days but I'm also ready to give my wife another beautiful child.

 

*Enters the Confession Booth* I admit. Sometimes...I wish I had just gone first! I wish I had just stuck to my, "I'm older so I'm gonna carry first" thought. That way, I wouldn't be in this position. I would already have it over and done with. Why did I change my mind?? GahDammit Nell! I would be ready to take my career by storm without a baby care in the world right now!!! (well not a care about a baby being IN me)...Someday's I kick myself for switching up. At this juncture I would only be focused on providing for my wife and kid(s) right now! I would be focused on my wife carrying our 2nd kid right now Grrrrrrrrr! *Exits Confession Booth*

 

But......things played out exactly they way they were supposed to. I find peace in knowing that the ultimate say is God's. My wife was meant to go first. It was in the design for our lives. God knows how all of this will play out annnnnnd why He designed it to be this way. I'm okay with just living for each moment I have and embracing the fact that things can and probably will end up changing along this journey. I'm okay with that. I'm just blessed to even have a job. I'm also blessed to have an amazing wife, beautiful daughter and a really cool life. And for that. I. Am. Thankful.

 

CD16 - I have zilch cervical fluid.

Next Period Expected in 8 days (July 17th)

I'm a complete Horn-Dog when I'm ovulating! Who Knew?

Eggs and Updates

I want to first start off by sending up a prayer for one of my fellow blogger friends who has been newly diagnosed with colon/liver cancer. I have been following her and her wife's TTC journey for over a year and to learn of this news is so heartbreaking. After trying to conceive for several years they welcomed a sweet baby girl 5 months ago. She has been diagnosed with cancer and the prognosis isn't good. Truly heartbreaking. The blogger community is rallying behind you Crazy Lesbian Mom and you're not in this alone! I believe in Miracles. Here is the link to her blog if you want to show her support & send encouragement http://crazylesbianmom.com/

 

 

The Job:

 

I thank you ALL for your support and positive words! Just to update you...I wasn't able to accept the position. Bummer. No, dammit! The salary just wouldn't work and I was informed that the position was contingent upon federal funding, so I had to decline. I cannot put my hopes in Uncle Sam these days. Way too many cuts and uncertainties. I have a family to provide for and I can't take those types of gambles. So, my search continues and it looks like we are back on target for our October insemination. That is, unless another job offer comes thru between now and September. Either way...send some positive energy into the Universe for me in that department.

 

The RE appointment:

 

We went to see the RE on July 3rd. I was hella nervous. Meanwhile my wife was all chipper and skippin thru the doors. I'm sure it's because she is no longer in the fertility hot seat this time. Grrrr! lol It was cool to see all the staff that helped us create Baby C. They were all so giggly and excited to see her! Now back for #2 it did provide some calmness within me. I guess because now I feel like we are vets and we "know the drill." I know each experience is different but I don't feel the anxiety I felt when we went in for my wife.

 

Now, about my eggs......well folks they are not scrambled! Yay! I had a follow-up pap done and an ultrasound. Since I was on CD10 the RE wanted to do an ultrasound to "see how things looked." Lo and behold at CD10 I had a 16mm follicle on the left and several smaller ones on the right. She said my uterus looks so healthy it could be in a "textbook." I'll take that Ma'am! Overall I found out a few things that helped ease my mind: 1. I'm not that old 2. My "stuff works" 3. My body is gearing up to make a baby when the time comes.

 

--{Tires Screech}-- Wait, I forgot something. I'm really gonna need these RE's to understand that some lesbos haven't had anything. Up. There. In YEARS! Like 13 years. So, when invading me with that probe to do the ultrasound I really wanted to jump OFF that table! OMG! Was that a rubber on there? It sure looked like one. "Dear Wife, please don't get any ideas because it ain't happenin. Ever. Never. Ever"

......Oh, I couldn't jump off the table because I didn't wanna look like a punk! My G status would have been ruined if I did. But, how much G status can you have with a probe up in you? Eh...whateva....... 

 

Guess I better get used to it. Fcuk.

TTC: To Plan OR not To Plan. THAT is the Question.

So....here's the skinny on Operation TTC #2. Remember my post about looking for a new job while TTC? Well, this past Monday I went for an interview for a position that could literally change my life. The potential to make more money, provide for my family annnnnd a rewarding career. It's in my field and would be PERFECT for me considering I'm only a few weeks post graduating with my Masters degree. I'm praying hard that this works in my favor. I'm literally waiting for the phone to ring because the hiring individual informed me that she will be making her final decision in a few days.

I ROCKED the interview. I left out that joint with the BIGGEST smile on my face. Something about knowing you KNOW your shyt sends your swagger meter into the red region!!

Oh, back to the purpose for this entry....

 

While I'm excited and hopeful that this job comes thru for me. I'm kinda sad that it would mean delaying our first attempt at Kiddo #2 by about 5 months. We were initially planning to start in October. I turn 37 in November. But now, I'm not so sure that would be wise. If I start the job in the next few weeks and let's say for instance TTC works on the first try...I would only be in my position for 4-5 months before having to tell my boss I'm expecting! That's not a good look. I need time to prove myself in this position. I would need time to establish a name for myself. I don't want to start this job and have the stress of pregnancy, FMLA issues, sickness, possible early labor and just not being eligible for any paid leave!

 

I talked to my wife, Mommy N, and we've decided that if I do get this job we will delay TTC for 5 months. So, that will put us in March. Baby C will be turning 1 and I will be on the job for a year if we got preggers on the first try. That translates to......I would have established a name for myself, worked my azz off, will qualify for FMLA and maternity leave and I can enjoy being pregnant without being afraid of them letting me go. I know by law they can't but I'm also not stupid or naive enough to not know that they can find a reason somewhere in the bush to justify. I'm just sayin'....not sayin' they will...but again, I'm just sayin'....

 

We have our appointment with the RE on July 3rd...next week. I'm going to ask her to run my numbers and let me know if she thinks it's "safe" to wait until then. Yes, at 37 I know I don't have but so much time. But I also don't know how much of a difference 5 months will make. If my numbers look good and similar to the last set from January...we can and will push things off until March. If she says, "Ummmm you're playing with fire and the numbers have changed"...we will move forward with an October insemination and leave the rest in Gods hands.

 

I know God has a plan. I know things will go according to His plan and not mine. And I also believe He gives us wisdom in making decisions like this. I think it's just wise to consider the whole picture. I think it's wise to make sure we are making the best decision for OUR family. I can't just throw caution to the wind with this issue because I have a wife and kid that depend on me. So....until we meet with the RE and get my numbers back we've decided that March is our target. I will keep you all posted.

 

Of course.........all the above is contingent upon me even being offered the job...WITH a salary I can work with. So all this change of plans may not even be necessary. Either way, stay tuned for updates.

TTC: The "Not-So-Femme" Guide to Pregnancy

Not really a guide but more like, I'm confused. Well...as the picture above highlights.....I'm "Unclear." About what you ask? Ummm several things.

Let me first start off by saying I knew there was a need for a blog from the perspective of the "not-so-femme" half of a lesbian union who is deciding to take on the journey into pregnancy land. The reason being there are certain things that we will experience that people typically don't think of...except us! 

Shall I begin.....................

1. Who will shovel snow, take out the trash and lift the heavy stuff for the next 10 months?

2. I wear sports bras so ummmm....will bigger sore jugs mean I have to wear a regular bra?

3. At what point will I feel funny giving my wife the D!? {Pause} *to explain the D is an urban term for the Dick! lol It looks so funny typing that out since I haven't done that since probably middle school. Hahaha*

     No seriously, will I no longer wanna sling it once I start showing or Immediately after I find out I'm pregnant? Arghhhhhhhhhh

4. What will I wear when my belly gets big!? I'm used to wearing button ups and sweaters and I usually wear my clothes cut slim. I shall NOT wear any type of Moo-Moo shirts! No Ma'am. 

5. Will I waddle? How am I ever supposed to keep my G status if I waddle??!!! *sighs*

6. Will being pregnant make me feel uncomfortable and "uber femmey" when people touch my stomach or when uber femmey stuff starts to happen like fuller hips, bigger boobs, big tummy, leaky breast...Bleh.

7. How long after deliver does it take for me to get my not-so-femme swagger back?

Just a few questions on my list...lol Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm. All I know is this journey will no doubt be very different for me and will totally take me out of my comfort zone. There are so many dynamics to this that I'm sure will make me VERY uncomfortable. But I guess I have to keep telling myself, it's done in love, I want to give my wife a baby and it won't last forever........

My period is expected in 2 days. 

Our RE appointment is July 3rd.

COUNTDOWN: 16 weeks until our first at home insemination. Wowzers!

TTC: "Advanced Maternal Age"

I found this cool website dedicated to Seasoned Mama's! I like Seasoned Mama's over Advanced Maternal age. Bleh! If you goog.le "trying to get pregnant after 35 years old" be ready to feel like a prehistoric dinosaur with scrambled deformed eggs. Grrrrrrrrr! I really need to not goog.le shyt but it's hard not to. When Mommy N was pregnant with Baby C we made a pact NOT to goog.le anything!

 

Well, I did. Bad decision.

 

I spent the early part of the 3rd trimester worrying about "what if there is a knot in the cord" because Baby C always had the hiccups! Got dammit Goog.le! I asked the OB about it during one of our weekly visits and she was like, "WHAT!? Don't even entertain that thought! Just Pray..." Simple enough. So I did and all is well. Baby C is now a healthy and thriving almost 3 month old.

 

Back to getting pregnant after 35............

 

I came across an article that read, "Getting pregnant after 35 is Selfish." It hurt. Just a little. How is waiting until you've found the right person to marry, finished your education, have a stable home, physically, mentally and emotionally in order, career, good salary......all to provide the best life possible for your future kids selfish??!!! No, I wasn't hurt I was pissed when I read that! Selfish? Really?

So, getting pregnant in your 20's when you really don't have a clue about being a parent, no job, no stable home, not married, limited education not healthy...is better? {I'm not saying that if you are IN your 20's that these apply to you...I'm just making a general point}

 

I'm PROUD to be a more Seasoned Mama Dammit! I made the right decision for MY life by waiting. If God had intended for me to get pregnant before now it would have happened. The plan for my life has already been set before me.

 

I'm 36 and going to make a baby! In YO FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Fertility. Babies & Stomach Aches. Oh MY!

Hahahaha! This picture cracks me up! But yeah, really. My stomach told me it hated me yesterday. I was doubled over in pain.....{wait. this may be a little tmi but it must be documented}....I was doubled over in pain because I hadn't been to the bathroom for #2 in way too long! Then. It. Hit. Me.

 

I was sleep with Baby C on the couch and all of a sudden sharp stomach pains hit me so hard they work me out of my sleep! I placed her in the rock and play and headed straight for the bathroom! I was sweating and in agony! Mommy N knocked on the door to check on me because I had been in there so long! I could hardly talk! Needless to say...I was a whole 2lbs lighter when I left out of there.

 

That leads me to today's blog entry. Every time my stomach hurts for whatever reason I always equate it to pregnancy and childbirth. In that I say to myself, "If I cannot handle this what makes ME think I can have a baby!" Arghhhhhh!

 

My pain tolerance is close to zero and I know these things do not give me an accurate depiction of what being pregnant and having a baby will be like...but they do give me a point of reference. It makes me feel like a punk! Annnnnd it makes me question if I'm strong enough to do this. I hate feeling that way. One minute I feel like I'm ready and the next I'm not so sure. I know I'm ready mentally....it's the physical part that remains questionable. My own mom questions if I can actually do it. She knows how I am with pain. lol I hate that she's right. *humph*

 

God bless my wife with super natural strength to deal with me through this journey. She's gonna need it.

The Road to Fertility - Trying to make a baby

We have exactly three weeks before our scheduled appointment with the new RE {Reproductive Endocrinologist). We had to get this appointment scheduled before Mommy N goes back to work from maternity leave. It's important to me that she be there. I never missed a fertility, OB or RE appointment when my wife was in the hot seat so I know it's also important to her. I'm thankful someone canceled their appointment and we were able to get in this soon.

 

My concern....My numbers. I need to know how my fertility numbers look compared to my last set which was in January of last year. My RE said that the numbers, at that time, still looked great but she did notice a slight change. Translation  - "You better get going because dammit your eggs are NOT getting any younger!" *Le Sigh* I know I know....she also told me she wouldn't wait longer than 2 years. It's been 2 years. Whatevas.

 

I hope this new RE also takes me on as her GYN patient. I like having my lady care under one person. My old RE is relocating to Florida so I'm kinda bummed about that. We will see how it all goes. Sometimes I wish things could be as simple as with hetero's! Main thing....they don't even find out they are pregnant {usually} until at least 8 weeks. Not us lesbians....we start testing meaning peeing on the magical stick the moment sperm enters our body and we usually find out 24 minutes past ovulation! I kid I kid. No, but things are just so more complicated and indeed they are more stressful.

 

I knew I was forgetting something..... Mommy N and I discussed my job hunting last night. I wanted to run something by her that was on my mind while driving home from work. I've decided that if I don't have at least an interview, job offer etc on the table by July 31st I will discontinue the active job search until after I've had our kiddo #2. I just don't want to run into the health insurance, FMLA, time off antics that comes with starting a new job while trying to conceive. I'm feeling at peace with this decision. God will provide.

 

That's all for now..............

 

CD15 - will test again later this evening.

Positive!

 

Today is CD14. I took a test at 12noon. STRONG positive Opk. This line appeared before the test was even completely done! The pee was still creeping up when I saw the strong line. The test line is actually darker than the control. Now I'm feeling good about my tracking thus far. I will continue to test out my surge and see when it "goes away."

 My wife is cool as a cucumber about it all. I'm scared shytless! lol I guess because I feel like THIS is really gonna happen in a few months. She's been thru this all and I'm sure she had these moments to herself and I didn't know about them. Secret pee sessions in the work bathroom stall. Lord help me...............

My Body Still Works.
It knows exactly what It's Supposed to Do.
36 and 37 is NOT old.
Everything will be Just fine.
It will ALL play out exactly the way God designed.

Doing The Most.

 

One thing I've learned during this process is that sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do....and that being, the MOST. TTC is not always pretty, romantic, ethical, ideal, or classy.

 

Folks, the pic above is what desperation looks like.

 

Yes, that is what you think it is. I needed to test {OPK) when I got home but could NOT hold my pee another second....let alone for the whole 30 minute commute home from work. So, I grabbed a container at work, deposited, and drove all the way home like it was a small fragile baby. Well, it was in the cup holder of my center console but you get my point.

 

I had a lot more ewcm during the day so I thought for sure the line on the OPK would have been dark. But it wasn't. It was a tad darker than the day before but not significantly darker indicating ovulation. So, I have no clue at this point. Yesterday was CD 13 and I took the test at 3pm. Negative. Today is CD14 and I will probably test again around 4pm. We shall see what happens.

 

Oh, I also realized just how much I prefer the CBE smileys. I ran out the other day so I'm only using the dollar store OPK's at this point. While I know what a negative vs a positive OPK looks like....the smiley's just take ALL the guess work out. This is important when you really start trying because the less stress and anxiety the better. I'm not stressed or worried at this stage but this has taught me that spending a few extra dollars on the CBE smileys is well worth it! The only reason I'm not buying them at this point is because I'm cheap...but when we do actually start the smileys will replace the dollar store OPKs.

According to my period app next period is expected June 23rd - June 29th. But it also has my fertile days as June 27th - July 2nd. I just don't see how that's even possible. How can my period AND fertile projections overlap? Ugh!

 

Up until this fertility stuff my app has been on point with my period, usually within 1 at the most 2 days off. Most cycles its dead on. So I have no idea about its predictions about fertility. Again, because my last cycle was a whole 3 days early and was unusually heavy from the start and then extremely light 3 days towards the end I'm going to attribute this massive confusion to a weird cycle. Let's see what the next few days brings.

Nope.

Well, I'm at CD12 and there are no signs of ovulation. Nothing. No change in my cervical fluid. No change on the OPK's....nothing. So, last cycle I got a smiley on CD12 and this cycle there is no sign of the little eggy anywhere. I'm not stressing too much because I know me coming on my period 3 days early this month has something to do with it. The only thing that I have noticed is that I'm horny. Like really really horny. Other than that...Nothing here.

 

Oh, I almost forgot: Is it weird that I do have moments when I don't want my eggs to be released? Like, I would be totally cool with skipping ovulation at this stage because I don't want to waste valuable eggs. I know I know....sounds crazy. BUT when you are considered AMA {Advance Maternal Age} you need all the eggs you can get when you actually start introducing sperm into the equation!

 

My fertility app projected my fertile days to be June 4th - June 9th and my cycle to start June 23rd - June 29th. So far that's not accurate. Today is the 11th and I haven't ovulated yet. I will test again this evening.

 

I'm going to schedule my GYN apppointment for next month. That will be my 6month follow-up. Once I get the all clear from my GYN I will then contact the RE so Mommy N and I can sit down to discuss our plans to TTC with the Doc and get my bloodwork done. Mommy N's OB suggested that I get a bloodwork panel done every 3 months until we actually start...just to make sure everything is still good and my levels are still normal. Great suggestion! While we don't plan to push this out much further it will be reassuring to actually know where my little eggs stand in terms of reserve.

 

Note To Self:

It's okay to say I want a healthy baby boy.......

It's okay to desire a son to present to my wife........

It's okay to have a preference.......

But I'm also okay with just another healthy, happy baby and I healthy non-eventful pregnancy.......regardless of the gender.



******UPDATE******

Well Whadda ya know! I just went to the bathroom {8:30am} and there was A LOT of ewcm! That means something is happening in there. I will test at around 5pm or 6pm today. Stay tuned folks! I'm happy.