This is an unofficial blog post. The reason I started this blog was to document my journey. So, when moments like these hit me I feel it's critical for me to type out my feelings.
At this moment I'm feeling torn. Torn between reallllllllllllllly wanting a new job and (in this exact moment) feeling like perhaps I don't want the job thing to come thru because I'm ready to start trying in October. I asked myself, "If the phone were to ring right now and it was the job you've been waiting for, How would you feel?" My response...."I would be happy as sh*%t BUT sad at the same time because I know we would have to push off TTC until at least February or March." --Yes, I had that conversation with myself. ..talking to myself keeps me sane. lol--
I mean, it's weird. One minute I feel like I can take or leave putting TTC off and a few minutes ago....{after reading a surrogacy blog}....I'm so ready to start this journey! Torn between money and my heart. It sucks. Major azz. I want and need a job for financial reasons. But I know my current career/job offers so much flexibility, security, amazing quality of life, dope benefits and just is the overall win in terms of getting pregnant. So, I do admit there are benefits to staying here. Many of them actually. And the pay isn't all that bad considering but I think recently graduating with my Masters Degree and now having Baby C is fueling me to want more. I have this, "I deserve it" mentality these days but I'm also ready to give my wife another beautiful child.
*Enters the Confession Booth* I admit. Sometimes...I wish I had just gone first! I wish I had just stuck to my, "I'm older so I'm gonna carry first" thought. That way, I wouldn't be in this position. I would already have it over and done with. Why did I change my mind?? GahDammit Nell! I would be ready to take my career by storm without a baby care in the world right now!!! (well not a care about a baby being IN me)...Someday's I kick myself for switching up. At this juncture I would only be focused on providing for my wife and kid(s) right now! I would be focused on my wife carrying our 2nd kid right now Grrrrrrrrr! *Exits Confession Booth*
But......things played out exactly they way they were supposed to. I find peace in knowing that the ultimate say is God's. My wife was meant to go first. It was in the design for our lives. God knows how all of this will play out annnnnnd why He designed it to be this way. I'm okay with just living for each moment I have and embracing the fact that things can and probably will end up changing along this journey. I'm okay with that. I'm just blessed to even have a job. I'm also blessed to have an amazing wife, beautiful daughter and a really cool life. And for that. I. Am. Thankful.
CD16 - I have zilch cervical fluid.
Next Period Expected in 8 days (July 17th)
I'm a complete Horn-Dog when I'm ovulating! Who Knew?
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