TTC: To Plan OR not To Plan. THAT is the Question.

So....here's the skinny on Operation TTC #2. Remember my post about looking for a new job while TTC? Well, this past Monday I went for an interview for a position that could literally change my life. The potential to make more money, provide for my family annnnnd a rewarding career. It's in my field and would be PERFECT for me considering I'm only a few weeks post graduating with my Masters degree. I'm praying hard that this works in my favor. I'm literally waiting for the phone to ring because the hiring individual informed me that she will be making her final decision in a few days.

I ROCKED the interview. I left out that joint with the BIGGEST smile on my face. Something about knowing you KNOW your shyt sends your swagger meter into the red region!!

Oh, back to the purpose for this entry....

 

While I'm excited and hopeful that this job comes thru for me. I'm kinda sad that it would mean delaying our first attempt at Kiddo #2 by about 5 months. We were initially planning to start in October. I turn 37 in November. But now, I'm not so sure that would be wise. If I start the job in the next few weeks and let's say for instance TTC works on the first try...I would only be in my position for 4-5 months before having to tell my boss I'm expecting! That's not a good look. I need time to prove myself in this position. I would need time to establish a name for myself. I don't want to start this job and have the stress of pregnancy, FMLA issues, sickness, possible early labor and just not being eligible for any paid leave!

 

I talked to my wife, Mommy N, and we've decided that if I do get this job we will delay TTC for 5 months. So, that will put us in March. Baby C will be turning 1 and I will be on the job for a year if we got preggers on the first try. That translates to......I would have established a name for myself, worked my azz off, will qualify for FMLA and maternity leave and I can enjoy being pregnant without being afraid of them letting me go. I know by law they can't but I'm also not stupid or naive enough to not know that they can find a reason somewhere in the bush to justify. I'm just sayin'....not sayin' they will...but again, I'm just sayin'....

 

We have our appointment with the RE on July 3rd...next week. I'm going to ask her to run my numbers and let me know if she thinks it's "safe" to wait until then. Yes, at 37 I know I don't have but so much time. But I also don't know how much of a difference 5 months will make. If my numbers look good and similar to the last set from January...we can and will push things off until March. If she says, "Ummmm you're playing with fire and the numbers have changed"...we will move forward with an October insemination and leave the rest in Gods hands.

 

I know God has a plan. I know things will go according to His plan and not mine. And I also believe He gives us wisdom in making decisions like this. I think it's just wise to consider the whole picture. I think it's wise to make sure we are making the best decision for OUR family. I can't just throw caution to the wind with this issue because I have a wife and kid that depend on me. So....until we meet with the RE and get my numbers back we've decided that March is our target. I will keep you all posted.

 

Of course.........all the above is contingent upon me even being offered the job...WITH a salary I can work with. So all this change of plans may not even be necessary. Either way, stay tuned for updates.

TTC: The "Not-So-Femme" Guide to Pregnancy

Not really a guide but more like, I'm confused. Well...as the picture above highlights.....I'm "Unclear." About what you ask? Ummm several things.

Let me first start off by saying I knew there was a need for a blog from the perspective of the "not-so-femme" half of a lesbian union who is deciding to take on the journey into pregnancy land. The reason being there are certain things that we will experience that people typically don't think of...except us! 

Shall I begin.....................

1. Who will shovel snow, take out the trash and lift the heavy stuff for the next 10 months?

2. I wear sports bras so ummmm....will bigger sore jugs mean I have to wear a regular bra?

3. At what point will I feel funny giving my wife the D!? {Pause} *to explain the D is an urban term for the Dick! lol It looks so funny typing that out since I haven't done that since probably middle school. Hahaha*

     No seriously, will I no longer wanna sling it once I start showing or Immediately after I find out I'm pregnant? Arghhhhhhhhhh

4. What will I wear when my belly gets big!? I'm used to wearing button ups and sweaters and I usually wear my clothes cut slim. I shall NOT wear any type of Moo-Moo shirts! No Ma'am. 

5. Will I waddle? How am I ever supposed to keep my G status if I waddle??!!! *sighs*

6. Will being pregnant make me feel uncomfortable and "uber femmey" when people touch my stomach or when uber femmey stuff starts to happen like fuller hips, bigger boobs, big tummy, leaky breast...Bleh.

7. How long after deliver does it take for me to get my not-so-femme swagger back?

Just a few questions on my list...lol Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm. All I know is this journey will no doubt be very different for me and will totally take me out of my comfort zone. There are so many dynamics to this that I'm sure will make me VERY uncomfortable. But I guess I have to keep telling myself, it's done in love, I want to give my wife a baby and it won't last forever........

My period is expected in 2 days. 

Our RE appointment is July 3rd.

COUNTDOWN: 16 weeks until our first at home insemination. Wowzers!

TTC: "Advanced Maternal Age"

I found this cool website dedicated to Seasoned Mama's! I like Seasoned Mama's over Advanced Maternal age. Bleh! If you goog.le "trying to get pregnant after 35 years old" be ready to feel like a prehistoric dinosaur with scrambled deformed eggs. Grrrrrrrrr! I really need to not goog.le shyt but it's hard not to. When Mommy N was pregnant with Baby C we made a pact NOT to goog.le anything!

 

Well, I did. Bad decision.

 

I spent the early part of the 3rd trimester worrying about "what if there is a knot in the cord" because Baby C always had the hiccups! Got dammit Goog.le! I asked the OB about it during one of our weekly visits and she was like, "WHAT!? Don't even entertain that thought! Just Pray..." Simple enough. So I did and all is well. Baby C is now a healthy and thriving almost 3 month old.

 

Back to getting pregnant after 35............

 

I came across an article that read, "Getting pregnant after 35 is Selfish." It hurt. Just a little. How is waiting until you've found the right person to marry, finished your education, have a stable home, physically, mentally and emotionally in order, career, good salary......all to provide the best life possible for your future kids selfish??!!! No, I wasn't hurt I was pissed when I read that! Selfish? Really?

So, getting pregnant in your 20's when you really don't have a clue about being a parent, no job, no stable home, not married, limited education not healthy...is better? {I'm not saying that if you are IN your 20's that these apply to you...I'm just making a general point}

 

I'm PROUD to be a more Seasoned Mama Dammit! I made the right decision for MY life by waiting. If God had intended for me to get pregnant before now it would have happened. The plan for my life has already been set before me.

 

I'm 36 and going to make a baby! In YO FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Fertility. Babies & Stomach Aches. Oh MY!

Hahahaha! This picture cracks me up! But yeah, really. My stomach told me it hated me yesterday. I was doubled over in pain.....{wait. this may be a little tmi but it must be documented}....I was doubled over in pain because I hadn't been to the bathroom for #2 in way too long! Then. It. Hit. Me.

 

I was sleep with Baby C on the couch and all of a sudden sharp stomach pains hit me so hard they work me out of my sleep! I placed her in the rock and play and headed straight for the bathroom! I was sweating and in agony! Mommy N knocked on the door to check on me because I had been in there so long! I could hardly talk! Needless to say...I was a whole 2lbs lighter when I left out of there.

 

That leads me to today's blog entry. Every time my stomach hurts for whatever reason I always equate it to pregnancy and childbirth. In that I say to myself, "If I cannot handle this what makes ME think I can have a baby!" Arghhhhhh!

 

My pain tolerance is close to zero and I know these things do not give me an accurate depiction of what being pregnant and having a baby will be like...but they do give me a point of reference. It makes me feel like a punk! Annnnnd it makes me question if I'm strong enough to do this. I hate feeling that way. One minute I feel like I'm ready and the next I'm not so sure. I know I'm ready mentally....it's the physical part that remains questionable. My own mom questions if I can actually do it. She knows how I am with pain. lol I hate that she's right. *humph*

 

God bless my wife with super natural strength to deal with me through this journey. She's gonna need it.

The Road to Fertility - Trying to make a baby

We have exactly three weeks before our scheduled appointment with the new RE {Reproductive Endocrinologist). We had to get this appointment scheduled before Mommy N goes back to work from maternity leave. It's important to me that she be there. I never missed a fertility, OB or RE appointment when my wife was in the hot seat so I know it's also important to her. I'm thankful someone canceled their appointment and we were able to get in this soon.

 

My concern....My numbers. I need to know how my fertility numbers look compared to my last set which was in January of last year. My RE said that the numbers, at that time, still looked great but she did notice a slight change. Translation  - "You better get going because dammit your eggs are NOT getting any younger!" *Le Sigh* I know I know....she also told me she wouldn't wait longer than 2 years. It's been 2 years. Whatevas.

 

I hope this new RE also takes me on as her GYN patient. I like having my lady care under one person. My old RE is relocating to Florida so I'm kinda bummed about that. We will see how it all goes. Sometimes I wish things could be as simple as with hetero's! Main thing....they don't even find out they are pregnant {usually} until at least 8 weeks. Not us lesbians....we start testing meaning peeing on the magical stick the moment sperm enters our body and we usually find out 24 minutes past ovulation! I kid I kid. No, but things are just so more complicated and indeed they are more stressful.

 

I knew I was forgetting something..... Mommy N and I discussed my job hunting last night. I wanted to run something by her that was on my mind while driving home from work. I've decided that if I don't have at least an interview, job offer etc on the table by July 31st I will discontinue the active job search until after I've had our kiddo #2. I just don't want to run into the health insurance, FMLA, time off antics that comes with starting a new job while trying to conceive. I'm feeling at peace with this decision. God will provide.

 

That's all for now..............

 

CD15 - will test again later this evening.

Positive!

 

Today is CD14. I took a test at 12noon. STRONG positive Opk. This line appeared before the test was even completely done! The pee was still creeping up when I saw the strong line. The test line is actually darker than the control. Now I'm feeling good about my tracking thus far. I will continue to test out my surge and see when it "goes away."

 My wife is cool as a cucumber about it all. I'm scared shytless! lol I guess because I feel like THIS is really gonna happen in a few months. She's been thru this all and I'm sure she had these moments to herself and I didn't know about them. Secret pee sessions in the work bathroom stall. Lord help me...............

My Body Still Works.
It knows exactly what It's Supposed to Do.
36 and 37 is NOT old.
Everything will be Just fine.
It will ALL play out exactly the way God designed.

Doing The Most.

 

One thing I've learned during this process is that sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do....and that being, the MOST. TTC is not always pretty, romantic, ethical, ideal, or classy.

 

Folks, the pic above is what desperation looks like.

 

Yes, that is what you think it is. I needed to test {OPK) when I got home but could NOT hold my pee another second....let alone for the whole 30 minute commute home from work. So, I grabbed a container at work, deposited, and drove all the way home like it was a small fragile baby. Well, it was in the cup holder of my center console but you get my point.

 

I had a lot more ewcm during the day so I thought for sure the line on the OPK would have been dark. But it wasn't. It was a tad darker than the day before but not significantly darker indicating ovulation. So, I have no clue at this point. Yesterday was CD 13 and I took the test at 3pm. Negative. Today is CD14 and I will probably test again around 4pm. We shall see what happens.

 

Oh, I also realized just how much I prefer the CBE smileys. I ran out the other day so I'm only using the dollar store OPK's at this point. While I know what a negative vs a positive OPK looks like....the smiley's just take ALL the guess work out. This is important when you really start trying because the less stress and anxiety the better. I'm not stressed or worried at this stage but this has taught me that spending a few extra dollars on the CBE smileys is well worth it! The only reason I'm not buying them at this point is because I'm cheap...but when we do actually start the smileys will replace the dollar store OPKs.

According to my period app next period is expected June 23rd - June 29th. But it also has my fertile days as June 27th - July 2nd. I just don't see how that's even possible. How can my period AND fertile projections overlap? Ugh!

 

Up until this fertility stuff my app has been on point with my period, usually within 1 at the most 2 days off. Most cycles its dead on. So I have no idea about its predictions about fertility. Again, because my last cycle was a whole 3 days early and was unusually heavy from the start and then extremely light 3 days towards the end I'm going to attribute this massive confusion to a weird cycle. Let's see what the next few days brings.

Nope.

Well, I'm at CD12 and there are no signs of ovulation. Nothing. No change in my cervical fluid. No change on the OPK's....nothing. So, last cycle I got a smiley on CD12 and this cycle there is no sign of the little eggy anywhere. I'm not stressing too much because I know me coming on my period 3 days early this month has something to do with it. The only thing that I have noticed is that I'm horny. Like really really horny. Other than that...Nothing here.

 

Oh, I almost forgot: Is it weird that I do have moments when I don't want my eggs to be released? Like, I would be totally cool with skipping ovulation at this stage because I don't want to waste valuable eggs. I know I know....sounds crazy. BUT when you are considered AMA {Advance Maternal Age} you need all the eggs you can get when you actually start introducing sperm into the equation!

 

My fertility app projected my fertile days to be June 4th - June 9th and my cycle to start June 23rd - June 29th. So far that's not accurate. Today is the 11th and I haven't ovulated yet. I will test again this evening.

 

I'm going to schedule my GYN apppointment for next month. That will be my 6month follow-up. Once I get the all clear from my GYN I will then contact the RE so Mommy N and I can sit down to discuss our plans to TTC with the Doc and get my bloodwork done. Mommy N's OB suggested that I get a bloodwork panel done every 3 months until we actually start...just to make sure everything is still good and my levels are still normal. Great suggestion! While we don't plan to push this out much further it will be reassuring to actually know where my little eggs stand in terms of reserve.

 

Note To Self:

It's okay to say I want a healthy baby boy.......

It's okay to desire a son to present to my wife........

It's okay to have a preference.......

But I'm also okay with just another healthy, happy baby and I healthy non-eventful pregnancy.......regardless of the gender.



******UPDATE******

Well Whadda ya know! I just went to the bathroom {8:30am} and there was A LOT of ewcm! That means something is happening in there. I will test at around 5pm or 6pm today. Stay tuned folks! I'm happy.

Excited!

While there really isn't much to update today...I felt I needed to document this moment. I've been bored at work today and decided to read a few TTC Blogs. I can admit that for the FIRST time during my own journey I had that, "Maybe I should go NOW!" moment.

 

While it passed quickly.........

 

I was excited that for the first time I was actually REALLY excited about ttc and my wife getting me pregnant. The tww, the insems, the betas, the u/s visits...all of it! We are still aiming for October but at least now, in this moment I know I'm at peace and excited about the journey I am about to go on physically, mentally and emotionally. I still have my concerns about actively looking for a job knowing we will officially start ttc in October I just keep reminding myself that God is in control.

 

Today is CD11 and still no signs of ovulation. OPK at 6:30am and again and 12noon both were negative. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my weird cycle this month. Last month I got a smiley on CD12 and then it was gone on CD13. So we shall see.

Round 2

This will be my 2nd cycle tracking ovulation. Today is CD8. This cycle while my flow was VERY heavy the first 2 days...it was a shorter cycle and much lighter at the end. I will test from CD9 thru CD13. This month I will be using the dollar store cheapies to track it. I've used all of the smiley's and honestly I think they are way too expensive just to do trial cycles. I will purchase more when we actually "go live."

 

Last cycle I got the smiley on CD12. I honestly think I got the first surge on CD11 but that as my graduation day and I didn't test. We shall see what this cycle reveals.

 

I'm going to schedule an appt with my GYN for a follow-up pap in July. I'm due for my 6 month followup and my last one was in January. I'm sure everything will be fine so I plan to schedule an appt to see the RE once I get the results back. So as it stands here is the game plan.......

 

GYN - July

RE - August (for bloodwork and to check AMA levels)

HSG - (tentative) September

1st at home insem - October

 

I'm doing well taking the prenatal vitamins and so far I haven't experienced any issues with not being able to go to the bathroom. I was a little concerned about that. So far so good.....

That's Odd

So, my period app said, "Period expected in 3 days." But...I came on THAT day. Heavy. Like, out of no where flood.  But yeah, it was so unexpected. That made me 3 days early and threw my ovulation/fertility dates off. I started my cycle on CD21. {TMI part.....} Today I am on CD4. It's already showing signs of tappering off. I think because my flow has been so heavy this cycle, which again is very unusual for me. I usually spot...then go full blast. This time my body went straight to full blast. Now, I'm thinking because May was a long month it shifted things a little, which is not totally uncommon for me. The longer months sometimes makes my body act weird.

 

With this shift, my predicted ovulation for the big TTC month is September 27th-October 2nd. We get back from our vacation on the 27th. My period is predicted for September 23rd-September 29th.

Positive - I will probably not need to track my ovulation while we are on vacation because it's too early in my cycle. Negative - I will be on my period while we are in Disney. Blah! I will just have to wait and see what happens between now and then.......

 

I can't believe it's already June. Baby C is already starting to "move fast." My mother-in-law jokes with me all the time that she's "getting out the way for #2." lol Don't know how true that is but I wish Baby C would slowwwww down! lol She's showing signs of teething and I feel like she is doing so much so soon. *sighs* I'm just gonna enjoy her at this stage for as long as I can. I know one day I will wake up to a teenager and feel so sad that my baby is not totally dependent on me anymore. Being a mom is tough. I'm looking forward to giving my wife another little squishy new baby. That will be our last.....unless God has other plans.

 

I find my mind conflicting between.......I'm about to start TTC #2........but I'm also actively looking for a new job. It feels weird in a sense. But like my wife always says, "What about hetero's?! They start new jobs and get pregnant right away all the time. The only difference is WE will be trying and they get ooops, We're pregnant!" lol So very true. She always has a way of putting things into perspective for me. And....knowing what we know about our last journey TTC, you really don't know when it's gonna happen. It could be sooner rather than later but on the other hand it could be later rather than sooner.

The one thing I do know is that TTC can take over your life if you let it. It will literally halt life as you know it. If you sit around and wait for it to happen...you could find yourself missing out on other opportunities that life presents. We literally lived in 2 week increments last time and I don't want to do that again. We became so preoccupied, which is to be expected, but...still was overwhelming. I just have faith that if a door opens for a new job...God did it and the other stuff will just fall into place. He's got us covered. I believe that............