31 weeks! Letter to Baby N + Babyshower

My heart explodes with Love

Tomorrow I will officially be 31 weeks! Whooohoooooo! I honestly cannot believe we only have 64 days plus or minus until we welcome our baby boy. It's still surreal.

I went in for my 30 week appointment last week and everything looks great. Baby Boy's heartbeat was strong, my weight gain has slowed down {Thank GOD} and I passed my glucose test. My swelling has also decreased and I think it's because I've started drinking a lot more water. Next up I have been advised to get the whooping cough vaccine (Tdap) sometime between now and 36 weeks.

Our Baby shower is THIS Sunday!!! Holy crap! I'm so excited. I'm also thankful we decided to have it at 31 weeks because as the weeks progress I don't know if I will feel like being bothered with it all. Don't get me wrong...I'm thankful as ever BUT the thought of having to actually get dressed and put on real clothes and look presentable and be chipper and entertain folks....overwhelms me a bit. So at 31 weeks I'm still good with it all....anything further, Ummmmm not so much. lol

I will post pics and share that special day with my blogger family so be ready for a pic heavy post! :-)

Dear Son,

Well kiddo...we are almost at the end of our journey together. I tear up just writing that. No...I cry. My biggest sacrifice was giving you life. It's the most unselfish thing I've ever done and I thank you. Having you inside my body has taught me so much. I now know how to be and accept vulnerability, being fragile and being humble. You are truly a miracle. All I want to do is keep you safe. Inside of me you are protected from the world. But I know I will have to eventually expose you to life outside of the womb and sometimes that scares me.
I love you so much. I'm proud of myself and I pray you are proud of your MaMa as well. I did it Baby boy! I did something everyone thought I wouldn't....I made the decision to give you life. I knew it was YOU all along! I felt it from the moment you were conceived. My Son. My Baby Boy. I waited 36 years to carry & birth a baby...now I know it was 36 years of prepping my heart and mind to birth you. I hope you love your new family. You have a wonderful Mommy and Big Sister waiting for you here. We love you so much! We prayed and God sent you down from the clouds just to complete our little family. You are so wanted and so loved by so many people. Take all the time you need to cook because your Mama is going to cry a lot and be a little sad once you are no longer in her belly. I will be okay though.
We have about 2 months left of our special journey and I pray over you every day that we both come home from the hospital healthy. I hope you're ready for your birthday! I love you I love you I love you........I cry when I think of you being disconnected from the life-line we now share. You will be our Baby Boy....YOU are the beautiful 4th soul who will complete our set. Our Family created by Love.

Until we meet face to face,
MaMa

When things Change.....Plus Glucose test and Such!

I went for my much dreaded glucose test on April 12th. I had so much anxiety over keeping the liquid down. As I was registered, the lab tech handed me the bottle of liquid. I went straight to panic mode! Me: "Wait. Ummm Miss, can I have the orange flavor?" {EVERYONE told me this was the best flavor to stomach}....

Her: "We don't have that one here."

Me: *Look of Horror*

 

So...I had to suck it up, twist the cap...and down the fruit punch flavored drink. I totally expected the absolute worst! BUT......It was actually good! LOL! I was thirsty so that made it even better!

Me: "Oh okay this is GOOD!"

Lab Tech: "See don't judge a book by its cover!" lol

In the end...I waited the required hour and then got the blood draw. I received my results today and I passed with a wonderful score of 114!!!!! Thank God!

 

  

 

I've reached another milestone, 28 weeks! Well....I'm officially 28 weeks 5 days to be exact. Here is my bare belly. Thank you Lord! It's more rounded, solid and hard now. Still no stretch-marks. Yayyyy! {other than the ones I already had from losing weight}

I can remember posting about how "great" I was feeling and how sometimes I "forgot" that I was pregnant. Well, things have changed. Totally. I have learned to accept each new day for what it brings. I have my good days and then I have my not so good days. And that's okay. I know I've gained a ton of weight and groaning while doing anything that involves me moving has become common place. And that's okay. Things change and as my pregnancy progresses & I just have to accept that and deal. I keep everything in perspective and that helps me to get through. Oh, I can now see the baby moving around in my belly...totally weird and cool! He's so active. My wife said he's way more active in the womb than Baby C was. Keep on movin' son..it's gives your Mama peace & comfort! :-)

 

We have cleaned out the house (nesting times a million)...donated all unused & unwanted items, had our bathroom renovated, rearranged our bedroom, will have brand new windows installed in the next 3 weeks and completed our baby shower registry! Wheeew! These two mommies have been focused! The shower is set for May 4th, 2014.

 

That's all for now. Thanks for all the encouragement, advice, prayers, love & light sent during my journey. You all have NO idea how much it means to me. Congrats on all the BFP's for March and April! I'm so happy for you ladies. It's a blessing.

 

 

Mama C~

 

Whoa. 3rd TRIMESTER!!! Now I know.....

Days LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!


Today I officially entered the 3rd trimester. So thankful beyond words. So far, this has truly been the most humbling, emotional, sacrificial & rewarding journey I've ever experienced. I went from a self-sufficient, physical/strong, energetic woman.....to a woman who can't even put on shoes without groaning. A woman who can't lift more than 30lbs. A woman who is almost always out of breath and tired. I depend on my wife a lot these days and I honestly don't think I could have done this without her by my side.

I've learned so much about myself these past few months. I learned how to totally surrender control over life. While I'm still a work in progress in that area...getting pregnant & staying pregnant has taught me just how not in control we really are.

I have a human being living in my body. One who moves constantly and makes his presence known giving me comfort and peace. At this time, I have him all to myself. We share special moments that I don't have to share with anyone, including my wife. The thought of him being inside me and having him with me at all times during this precious journey brings me to tears every time I think about it.

I mean, I never actually thought I would go through with it. But I did...and there is no greater joy than growing a baby. I'm the only one who knows his every move right now. I'm the only one who knows when he has the hiccups. I'm the only one who knows when he doesn't like me in certain positions. ME! Right now it's just him & I and I will forever cherish these intimate precious moments. I can be selfish with him right now. I can play with him in my belly. I can talk to him. I know when I drink something cold he will respond. I can just love up on him from the inside and he is connected to my body and soul for the next 91 days, give or take. I know I will be glad to meet him & share him with my wife, his sister and the rest of the world....but truth be told, I'm cherishing these last few days & I will be sad when it's all over.

Now I know what my wife was talking about. Now it all makes sense. When she carried our daughter, they too shared these moments, just the two of them. She told me about how precious this time was for her and Baby C but I could never really understand what she meant until I traveled this road for myself. She always wanted me to carry. She would always say, " I just really want you to experience it all." Well, now I know and there are no words to describe just how thankful I am for her encouraging me to carry our 2nd child. Now I know. Now I know..........Thank you Sweetpea.

I'm scheduled to have my glucose test in the next week. Please send me positive energy, prayers & light that I pass with flying colors! Still praying for those BFP's for you ladies still waiting and congrats to all who have received theirs already!!

 

25 Weeks & Feeling Every Second Of It

We've reached viability!!! I'm 25 weeks today & I'm so thankful to be here. I do not take this amazing milestone for granted.

 

{Here's where I get transparent for a second}

 

I must admit, I'm slowing down. A lot. I feel very pregnant and it's really real now. My hips hurt. I now have to wear medical scrubs and a polo shirt to work because none of my clothes fit anymore, well my work clothes don't. I have a waddle. My face is filling out. My stomach is in my throat most days & it causes me extreme discomfort. I sometimes feel like my fatigue is coming back just a little. I can't help out at home or at work like I really want to because I get winded so easy and I don't want to put the baby in harms way by doing too much. It's harder to pick my daughter up now...I hate picking stuff up off the floor that I've dropped {it just takes so much effort}....I just feel BIGGER and SLOWER.

All while, when I tell people how far along I am, I get the...."Oh just WAIT, you ain't seen nothin' yet! You're gonna blow up and it's gonna get worse!"

 

SHUT THE F*^% UP!!!!!!!!!!! {Is what I want to say but instead I just smile and shake my head}

 

As a pregnant not-so-femme woman, being pregnant makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel like I'm delicate & fragile. I'm not used to feeling like this. I'm not used to LOOKING like this. I mean, I knew I would change, my body would morph....but I don't think you're ever really prepared for just how much you do change in so many ways. Sometimes I feel like crying when I think about just how different I am right now. Other days I'm not phased at all by it.

 

But............. I have to say, I would do it all over again to be exactly where I am. Pains & all. Fatness & all. I would do it again in a heartbeat for us to complete our family. Even with the discomfort and temporary pains {and it really is temporary}, I have an amazing wife who rubs my tired feet & takes awesome care of me, a baby growing inside of me who is healthy and very active, a great job where I can take it easy & take the day off if need be, a wonderful family support system who are so thrilled & excited about this little boy, friends who are just blessings all around to me and my family, a 1 year old precious daughter who gives me crazy kisses and is the joy of my life!! I can't complain with the many blessings surrounding me right now. I can be honest about how I'm feeling on a daily basis but I really can't complain. I'm blessed.

 

With each passing day...with each passing week...I don't for one second take for granted that this little boy is still safe & secure in my womb. I would deal with any amount of discomfort to keep HIM inside and safe. Period. As my wife often says, my only charge right now is to "bake this baby." Weight gain, pains, limited wardrobe etc....it's all for the greater good, our son.

My next goal is 28 weeks. The 3rd trimester.

 

Meditation

 

This journey is not a race.

Surrender the desire to want to control the path & final destination.

Just do what you can...& stay healthy.

 

 

 

 

23 weeks! Saying Bye-Bye to my "Pleasure Harness" & Car Accidents!

 

 

23 Weeks Baby!

 

So, I'm coming up on a major milestone in this pregnancy....viability! Thank GOD! In a few days...at 24 weeks, if something were to happen at least they would try to save my son. For that I am thankful. Keep on cookin' Baby N! I'm still feeling really good and just continuing to take it easy. The baby is more active these days and that gives me so much peace and reassurance.

 

The Accident

 

2 weeks ago a distracted drive slammed into the rear of my car, well my wife's car. I was stopped in traffic and I saw her speeding towards me. There was no place I could go so I just braced myself for the impact. Without going into too much detail, it landed me in labor & delivery at 22 weeks. I was scared. I was pissed & angry at her for being so careless. BUT...I put my feelings aside to focus on my son. That's all I cared about. It was a very scary experience but Baby Boy N and I checked out just fine. Oh, and I'm suing her azz!

 

 

(Disclaimer - This may be the most personal/raw entry to date so you've been warned lol}

 

My Pleasure Harness   ;-(

 

Well folks, I've reached that point. That point where I have to share things in my blog that I would probably only share with my Ace's. I have to be true to this blog & that means sharing experiences from the perspective of the not-so-femme pregnant lesbian.

 

My harness. The pleasure stick. My Manzzzzz! The shyt don't fit anymore! *insert dramatic sigh* #BLOWN! I tried to strap up the other night and when I went to put it on.... my stomach and waist said, "Helllllllll no!" #BLOWN...again.

I mean, I knew it would happen eventually but I guess you are just never prepared for your joint NOT to fit. Come on mannn....It just fit like a week ago!!! So there I was unable to strap up...which means I had nothing to attach my clit suction device to...which means I had to go at it old school = the good ole manual dildo penetration = hella arm work!

Fcuk.

 

BUT......the bright side to all this is.....because I'm so genius and fortunately pretty damn good with the manual stroke {lol}... we had probably one of the BEST sexual episodes since I've been preggers. It was one of those, light a candle, sip a little wine {yes I had a few sips and yes it's okay}, turn on some ebony p-o-r-n, turn on that mood music and crash afterwards episode! Yes, it was that good.

So...to all my not-so-femme lesbians thinking about carrying or those in the process of ttc...all hope is not lost. It will take more work but it's worth it! Damn is it worth it. You just gotta tap into your ole-school manual stroke skills. Ha!

 

With that, I've packed my harness away and said good-bye....for now at least. But I'm kinda turned on by the "new stuff" we tapped into that night so who knows, that may become part of our episodes even after I have the baby. lol

 

I have my 24 week check-up next Thursday so I'm sure the dreaded glucose test is in my near future. My next goal is 28 weeks! Come onnn 3rd Trimester!!

 

That's all for now.......thanks for following my small piece of Blogworld.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Update: Anatomy Scan - Spine Views. I've reached 22 weeks!!!!!

Our Little "Thinker!"

 

 

--Hand under chin thinking about how super it's gonna be to have two mommies! ;-)

 

On Friday Feb. 7th, 2014 my wife & I went in for the much anticipated anatomy scan. I was hella nervous. I mean, THIS is the biggie. The scan where things not caught on earlier prenatal imaging & genetic testing can be detected. Before heading into the imaging center we just said a little prayer for our son. That's really all you can do.

 

Baby Boy "N" was rolled up into a complete ball! BUT with his legs crossed. At a certain point the tech told me to get up and move around in hopes to get him to stretch out a bit. Needless to say I did jumping-jacks, fake yoga etc in an attempt to get him to cooperate. Nadda! I'm so glad we weren't banking on the anatomy scan to find out the sex because we would have been disappointed. lol She did see "the money shot" at some point but it was for a quick few seconds. lol I was more concerned with his health. I prayed everything would be okay with him in terms of his organs, heart & overall health. That's all I really cared about forreal.

 

With the exception of his complete spine shots she did manage to get all the pictures & measurements she needed {Thank God}. So, we had to go back on Tuesday 02-27 for follow-up scans of his spine. Due to his position the first time the tech was unable to get all the structures of the spine she needed. The tech we had Tuesday seemed more seasoned and she was thorough! The follow-up appointment took longer than I expected. I consumed a bag of skittles and some sweet tea and praaaayed this little boy would cooperate! Laying sooo flat, WITH a full bladder, WITH aching HIPS, WITH her probing was painful! But...in the end she did manage to get every image she needed and afterwards congratulated us on our baby. Whewww! Thank God...again! It was wonderful to get another look at Sprouty! I could actually feel his kicks this time as she was scanning...it was kinda cool. He is measuring TWO WEEKS AHEAD! Yikes! I had the first scan full anatomy scan done at 19 weeks 1 day and he was measuring at 21 weeks! She didn't do dating measurments this time..she only focused on his spine, my fluid levels and my cervical length.

 

 

Here are some other cool pics of our little Sir:

 

 

FEET! lol

Halloween Frontal View! Boooooooo

Super Serious...Leave me alone Profile. lol

 

While my belly isn't that big yet....{At least I don't think so...lol} I feel so blessed to have made it to 22 weeks. I mean 22 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God is so GREAT! I do have to mention that I feel like I'm starting to slow down a bit. I take a little longer to do things I used to fly thru. It's an adjustment. My wife always tells me how great I'm doing...to be 6 months. -sidebar- The 6 months thingy depends on what calculation you use. lol Somedays I do feel like I'm doing well...other days I just take a deep sigh and say, "Lord give me STRENGTH!" lol We went thru all of Baby C's clothes and picked out all the gender neutral items for Sprouty. We have a nice little stash of sleepers, onesies, socks, bibs & equipment. My wife has also made a few cloth diapers for him too. YAY! We plan on doing our Babyshower registry in about 2 weeks. I want to wait until I'm 24 weeks to do that.

 

Update: My wife felt Baby N kick for the first time the morning I turned 21 weeks. It was so awesome for her to finally get to experience him from the outside. I think it becomes more real to everyone once you start feeling those kicks. I feel him all the time now and it does ease my mind. Some of his kicks are really low. Ouch! I don't think he likes when I prop up on my back or lay on my back...he kicks like crazy until I change positions. lol I just pray over my belly and tell him to stay PUT at least until the end of June.

 

That's all for now. I hope everyone is doing well & I'm still praying for those BFP's!

 

Meditation

 

God knows the end...just focus on being healthy.

Don't let worry steal your joy. Instead, Pray.

Don't get so caught up in the end result that you lose sight of the daily journey.

Raising a SON in Baltimore....The City That Bleeds.

 

(This will not be my usual blog entry...I just need to write down my thoughts)

So, last night while watching the local news something internally registered that shook me up a bit. I mean, it hit me all of a sudden that once this baby comes out, he will be a male raised in one of the most dangerous cities in the U.S.

Once he is released from my safe & secure womb he will be born in a city where young black males are killing each other daily. This is a scary thought. I not only have to protect him from the obvious pitfalls of being a kid growing up during this crazy time BUT I have to also be mindful that young black men account for most of our prison population, they are killing each other over their pride, they don't know how to deal with conflict in a healthy way & they are also the targets for stereotyping, hate crimes and many other ills.

 

Now, announcing... "It's A BOY" takes on a whole different meaning to me. I feel like our charge to raise young black men is something that goes far beyond the blue onesies and toy trucks. It's real!

 

So that leaves me to ponder: I was listening to the DL Hughley show and he uttered, "Your focus as a parent should be to protect your children at any and all costs." I agree. So, knowing that I live in a city where the odds are already stacked against my son does that give me the charge to move someplace where senseless violence isn't as prevalent? That "as" is so subjective. But crime happens everywhere, right? Is considering moving to the South (Atlanta, GA) opening up a whole new can of worry in terms of now having to protect my son from racist idiots & homophobic bigots? It's crazy man.....

 

I just want to give my kids the best life I can and protect them as best I can. I know shyt is gonna happen but I just want to minimize it. That may sound delusional but it's my truth. My wife stays home with our daughter. When our son is born he will follow....I just keep thinking about life after I give birth and everything has gone back to our normal. Once I no longer have this protruding belly and I'm back to my fitted-shirts, swim-trunks, wife-beaters & baseball caps.... internally I will feel like "me" again.

 

-Sidebar- No, I don't feel like "me" anymore on the inside or the outside because I'm not. This is new for me and with each week that goes by I have to re-adjust to a new me as the baby inside me grows. I'm a pregnant "not-so-femme" female. This has been a real adjustment for me.

...Wanna know how I know?

Because I went to my first women's college basketball game a few weeks ago and I felt self-conscious having a belly. I'm used to running up those College Park Rocky steps in my Ralph Lauren boots, loose fitted jeans, military style jacket & my baseball cap. But this time I had on the only real pair of black slacks that fit my belly comfortably, a sweater (with the belly protruding) and I was HELLA WINDED by the time I reached the top of those damn steps! Smh lol I felt kinda out of place. Especially since my female bestfriend was all "dommed out" makin' me feel like a preggo Beeioytch! lol

 

That's all I can do is laugh at this point. It's been a journey so far but I know I need to document it every step of the way & I wouldn't change it for the world. I also know after this experience I will never be the same. Something about carrying a child changes you and I already feel it. I'm thankful for this experience. But I'm also curious to see who I will become once I've given birth to a real life HUMAN.

 

Back on Topic:

So, I guess having a boy is really starting to sink-in mentally & emotionally for me. Will we end up moving? Will private schools be our only option? Will we raise sheltered kids that know nothing of what goes on in the city? ---We do live far enough from the main crust of the city where I can make that happen dammit! <Humor> In this day and age is minimizing the stuff your kids are exposed to with technology, other parents NOT parenting, youtub.e and social media even possible?! Just things I think about. I guess all we can do is pray. In the end that's all you really can do; Pray for them & cover them.