33 Weeks...PLEASE let us see your face!

When I started this blog my intention was to document every week of my pregnancy. That hasn't happened. Well, I think I've done a decent job BUT I know I have left some events out simply because I've skipped some weeks. Now one day shy of 33 weeks I'm really going to try from here on out.

 

Tomorrow: We go in for our sneak peek ultrasound. I'm praying this little boy cooperates and we can see AND get clear 3D pics of his face. He has a history of being non-compliant so we shall see. Just my wife, Baby C and a few family members and best friends will be there. I'm excited and really looking forward to it. We did this when my wife was pregnant with Baby C and everyone seems to really appreciate the experience. Please Sprouty...show us your face!

 

Anxiety & Worry: I have to pray really hard that this feeling leaves. Now that I'm almost at the end, on the days when Baby Boy isn't as active I immediately semi-panic. Specifically, I stop what I'm doing and I only focus on making him move. I can't really relax until I feel him. My normal routine has been, I will NOT get out the bed in the morning and start my day until I feel him move. I literally lay there until I feel him. I was cool with that....but now that I know his "patterns" whenever I don't feel him during his normal times I worry.

Last night & this morning almost sent me into a panic. He HATES when I lay on my left side...so after being on that side for a decent amount of time & I didn't feel Baby thumps...I began to worry. It's not like a FULL out worry but more of a heightened, "Are you okay little baby?" Then this morning he wasn't as crazy as he usually is...so again, I wouldn't get up until I felt him. I'm guessing he's just tired from how active he was yesterday. And Boy was he ACTIVE! lol So I guess I just have to accept that he will have down days; Especially now that he's getting bigger and has less & less room in there. *sighs* Hurry up July 3rd {or whenever he's gonna come} because I feel like I'm back to the first trimester "worry" again. Ugh!

 

It's just that we love him so much and I want him OUT here and healthy.

 

But that's when my faith kicks in...

 

I just have to pray over my stomach, "God you knew him before you even placed him in my womb....and YOU can take care of him a lot better than I can. I love him God, you gave him to us and I cover him with your blood knowing no matter what...Thy will be done." ~Amen.

 

 

Meditation

 

I Surrender

Worry robs me of my joy so it has to go......

This journey was laid out for me long before I was born & I'm built for this last stretch........

God is Good.

 

 

Whoa. 3rd TRIMESTER!!! Now I know.....

Days LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!


Today I officially entered the 3rd trimester. So thankful beyond words. So far, this has truly been the most humbling, emotional, sacrificial & rewarding journey I've ever experienced. I went from a self-sufficient, physical/strong, energetic woman.....to a woman who can't even put on shoes without groaning. A woman who can't lift more than 30lbs. A woman who is almost always out of breath and tired. I depend on my wife a lot these days and I honestly don't think I could have done this without her by my side.

I've learned so much about myself these past few months. I learned how to totally surrender control over life. While I'm still a work in progress in that area...getting pregnant & staying pregnant has taught me just how not in control we really are.

I have a human being living in my body. One who moves constantly and makes his presence known giving me comfort and peace. At this time, I have him all to myself. We share special moments that I don't have to share with anyone, including my wife. The thought of him being inside me and having him with me at all times during this precious journey brings me to tears every time I think about it.

I mean, I never actually thought I would go through with it. But I did...and there is no greater joy than growing a baby. I'm the only one who knows his every move right now. I'm the only one who knows when he has the hiccups. I'm the only one who knows when he doesn't like me in certain positions. ME! Right now it's just him & I and I will forever cherish these intimate precious moments. I can be selfish with him right now. I can play with him in my belly. I can talk to him. I know when I drink something cold he will respond. I can just love up on him from the inside and he is connected to my body and soul for the next 91 days, give or take. I know I will be glad to meet him & share him with my wife, his sister and the rest of the world....but truth be told, I'm cherishing these last few days & I will be sad when it's all over.

Now I know what my wife was talking about. Now it all makes sense. When she carried our daughter, they too shared these moments, just the two of them. She told me about how precious this time was for her and Baby C but I could never really understand what she meant until I traveled this road for myself. She always wanted me to carry. She would always say, " I just really want you to experience it all." Well, now I know and there are no words to describe just how thankful I am for her encouraging me to carry our 2nd child. Now I know. Now I know..........Thank you Sweetpea.

I'm scheduled to have my glucose test in the next week. Please send me positive energy, prayers & light that I pass with flying colors! Still praying for those BFP's for you ladies still waiting and congrats to all who have received theirs already!!

 

25 Weeks & Feeling Every Second Of It

We've reached viability!!! I'm 25 weeks today & I'm so thankful to be here. I do not take this amazing milestone for granted.

 

{Here's where I get transparent for a second}

 

I must admit, I'm slowing down. A lot. I feel very pregnant and it's really real now. My hips hurt. I now have to wear medical scrubs and a polo shirt to work because none of my clothes fit anymore, well my work clothes don't. I have a waddle. My face is filling out. My stomach is in my throat most days & it causes me extreme discomfort. I sometimes feel like my fatigue is coming back just a little. I can't help out at home or at work like I really want to because I get winded so easy and I don't want to put the baby in harms way by doing too much. It's harder to pick my daughter up now...I hate picking stuff up off the floor that I've dropped {it just takes so much effort}....I just feel BIGGER and SLOWER.

All while, when I tell people how far along I am, I get the...."Oh just WAIT, you ain't seen nothin' yet! You're gonna blow up and it's gonna get worse!"

 

SHUT THE F*^% UP!!!!!!!!!!! {Is what I want to say but instead I just smile and shake my head}

 

As a pregnant not-so-femme woman, being pregnant makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel like I'm delicate & fragile. I'm not used to feeling like this. I'm not used to LOOKING like this. I mean, I knew I would change, my body would morph....but I don't think you're ever really prepared for just how much you do change in so many ways. Sometimes I feel like crying when I think about just how different I am right now. Other days I'm not phased at all by it.

 

But............. I have to say, I would do it all over again to be exactly where I am. Pains & all. Fatness & all. I would do it again in a heartbeat for us to complete our family. Even with the discomfort and temporary pains {and it really is temporary}, I have an amazing wife who rubs my tired feet & takes awesome care of me, a baby growing inside of me who is healthy and very active, a great job where I can take it easy & take the day off if need be, a wonderful family support system who are so thrilled & excited about this little boy, friends who are just blessings all around to me and my family, a 1 year old precious daughter who gives me crazy kisses and is the joy of my life!! I can't complain with the many blessings surrounding me right now. I can be honest about how I'm feeling on a daily basis but I really can't complain. I'm blessed.

 

With each passing day...with each passing week...I don't for one second take for granted that this little boy is still safe & secure in my womb. I would deal with any amount of discomfort to keep HIM inside and safe. Period. As my wife often says, my only charge right now is to "bake this baby." Weight gain, pains, limited wardrobe etc....it's all for the greater good, our son.

My next goal is 28 weeks. The 3rd trimester.

 

Meditation

 

This journey is not a race.

Surrender the desire to want to control the path & final destination.

Just do what you can...& stay healthy.

 

 

 

 

Raising a SON in Baltimore....The City That Bleeds.

 

(This will not be my usual blog entry...I just need to write down my thoughts)

So, last night while watching the local news something internally registered that shook me up a bit. I mean, it hit me all of a sudden that once this baby comes out, he will be a male raised in one of the most dangerous cities in the U.S.

Once he is released from my safe & secure womb he will be born in a city where young black males are killing each other daily. This is a scary thought. I not only have to protect him from the obvious pitfalls of being a kid growing up during this crazy time BUT I have to also be mindful that young black men account for most of our prison population, they are killing each other over their pride, they don't know how to deal with conflict in a healthy way & they are also the targets for stereotyping, hate crimes and many other ills.

 

Now, announcing... "It's A BOY" takes on a whole different meaning to me. I feel like our charge to raise young black men is something that goes far beyond the blue onesies and toy trucks. It's real!

 

So that leaves me to ponder: I was listening to the DL Hughley show and he uttered, "Your focus as a parent should be to protect your children at any and all costs." I agree. So, knowing that I live in a city where the odds are already stacked against my son does that give me the charge to move someplace where senseless violence isn't as prevalent? That "as" is so subjective. But crime happens everywhere, right? Is considering moving to the South (Atlanta, GA) opening up a whole new can of worry in terms of now having to protect my son from racist idiots & homophobic bigots? It's crazy man.....

 

I just want to give my kids the best life I can and protect them as best I can. I know shyt is gonna happen but I just want to minimize it. That may sound delusional but it's my truth. My wife stays home with our daughter. When our son is born he will follow....I just keep thinking about life after I give birth and everything has gone back to our normal. Once I no longer have this protruding belly and I'm back to my fitted-shirts, swim-trunks, wife-beaters & baseball caps.... internally I will feel like "me" again.

 

-Sidebar- No, I don't feel like "me" anymore on the inside or the outside because I'm not. This is new for me and with each week that goes by I have to re-adjust to a new me as the baby inside me grows. I'm a pregnant "not-so-femme" female. This has been a real adjustment for me.

...Wanna know how I know?

Because I went to my first women's college basketball game a few weeks ago and I felt self-conscious having a belly. I'm used to running up those College Park Rocky steps in my Ralph Lauren boots, loose fitted jeans, military style jacket & my baseball cap. But this time I had on the only real pair of black slacks that fit my belly comfortably, a sweater (with the belly protruding) and I was HELLA WINDED by the time I reached the top of those damn steps! Smh lol I felt kinda out of place. Especially since my female bestfriend was all "dommed out" makin' me feel like a preggo Beeioytch! lol

 

That's all I can do is laugh at this point. It's been a journey so far but I know I need to document it every step of the way & I wouldn't change it for the world. I also know after this experience I will never be the same. Something about carrying a child changes you and I already feel it. I'm thankful for this experience. But I'm also curious to see who I will become once I've given birth to a real life HUMAN.

 

Back on Topic:

So, I guess having a boy is really starting to sink-in mentally & emotionally for me. Will we end up moving? Will private schools be our only option? Will we raise sheltered kids that know nothing of what goes on in the city? ---We do live far enough from the main crust of the city where I can make that happen dammit! <Humor> In this day and age is minimizing the stuff your kids are exposed to with technology, other parents NOT parenting, youtub.e and social media even possible?! Just things I think about. I guess all we can do is pray. In the end that's all you really can do; Pray for them & cover them.